downinmidflight

My Iphone is down so I should have a productive week:). Brock is out of town so its fulltime Tosh duty til Saturday. Swam/ran a terribly slow Peaman yesterday and realized that I need to focus on excercise more and get a more consistent routine going if I'm going to be more satisfied with my performance. Surfed in the afternoon which left me feeling all the more accomplished. Overall, it was a busy weekend and I actually feel like I got a lot done. I crock potted pinto beans last night and they tasted like card board. Next time I'll actually google a recipe. Also, made enough to feed an army. Hopefully, I'll find something to do with them...maybe a casserole. Okay week, here we go.

I'm really sorry for everything. To Tosh and to Brock. For completely going crazy and changing our lives so swiftly and irreversibly. My only prayer is that it was for the best. Now that I've said that, I'm finally forgiving myself for what I did. I'm finally saying, "It's okay Angie, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes huge mistakes. Everyone makes a mess of their lives sometimes. You only have to try to be the best person that you can possibly be." Now I'm going to stop punishing myself for the hurt that I caused and I'm finally going to move on and make the best of whatever my future holds. Everyone will be happier this time around. I believe this with my whole big fat swollen heart.

In 2009 I went through the Big C and the Big D. In 2010, there will be no more mention of it because it happened and its over now.

I'm training again but have a fraction of the energy that I used to have. So, I've decided to cut my training in half. 1 swim, 1 bike, 1 run and three big smiles every week. I think I'll cross the finish line just as happy.

Stolen from kitkatkaboodle

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Ugh, had a torrid affair with a skydiver...got a divorce...went on an all girls surf trip...

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Yes, my resolution was to live through cancer in 2009. Next year I would like to compete in the Lava Man and one 2 mile open water swim.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Kate, my sister, Jen and the lovely spiritual advisor Tara Carver Brown.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Uncle Harry, God rest his soul.

5. What countries did you visit?
Fiji, Samoa

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Stability and routine...and a home.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 1, 2009: Seperated from my husband.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Oh man, just making it through everything. Letting myself be the asshole and not the victim for once. Walking away from a relationship caught in an unhealthy cycle.

9. What was your biggest failure?
That would be the torrid affair by far. Hurting someone I loved.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The big C.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car: 2007 Subaru Impreza Sport

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends and family for being such an awesome support system through one of the most difficult periods of my life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My ex-husbands and my best friends regarding her current relationship and my own at times.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Who knows...hospital bills, divorce

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Tosh, God, Fiji and surfing

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2009?
I gotta feelin'....BEP

17. Are you happier or sadder?
Hmm, overall I'm happier. I'm trying to figure out what I want. If I want to meld my life together with someone else again or if I should be a self sustainable individual. At the same time, I'm really ready to nest and have the grass grow under my feet again...where ever I am.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Always wishing for more time with Tosh.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Same as Kate, caring what people think.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Surfed Manini in a bikini.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yeah, a couple of times

22. How many one night stands?
One

23. What was your favorite TV program?
No TV

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Can't think of one person I really hate.

25. What was the best book you read?
Eat, Pray, Love...could I be more cliche

26. What was your favorite musical discovery?
Jamie T

27.What did you want and get?
A new lease on life

28. What did you want and not get?
An easy transition into a new lease on life.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hangover

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32: Honaunau Xmas Program, then small kine house party with really close friends

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
5' glassy waves every day

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
If you got it, flaunt it...if you don't, flaunt it anyway and matching is over rated.

33. What kept you sane?
Isaiah and surfing

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brittany Spears

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Real Property Tax allocation

36. Who did you miss?
My sister

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Isaiah, Melanie and Kaipo


38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Oh my. Stand up for yourself, don't be afraid of the truth....the truth will set you free.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Ecclesiastes 3: For every thing there is a season
and
When you're skating on thin ice, you might as well dance.

For those of you who did not witness it, I had a melt down on Saturday and spent all day Sunday with my head in the sand trying to forget about it. I'm better now. It wasn't that bad, just a few uninterrupted hours of self loathing. I think I'm all better now.

I nap like it's nobody's business these days
in my jeans and work boots
feet still on the floor
after work
with Tosh
playing a game
on my phone
next to me
on the bed
for a good solid ten minutes
and that is why I'm able to work all night
so that I can work all tomorrow
and surf when he goes to his dads
and wake up at 5am to swim
on an ordinary Wednesday.
Today I felt overwhelmed,
whined just a bit, hugged my toddler, put him to bed
and realized that my life is wonderful just the way it is.
Celeste sat on my bed before he went to sleep and asked,
"do you like that mommy and I live together with you and Nainoa?"
and I watched as he smiled and shook his head yes. Me too honey. Me too.

Translation:  Love is peculiar, it pushes in opposite directions.

Its pouring rain here, the graves are soaked which just makes me think of mushy dead bodies in our yard.  I ran hard and fast with the dog and he had a hard time keeping up but he's getting better.  Bo is leaving tonight to "figure things out"...and the rain surely isn't helping my best friends breaking heart.  It's so loud on the tin roof that I can barely hear noisy boys playing on the floor in the living room above me and next to me.  There is tequila and beer in the fridge for when he's finally gone.  We have been preparing ourselves for this moment for what seems like forever and we don't even have to verbally communicate the wondering to each other...is this a false alarm?, a warning?...We've been here so many times before but we're always prepared.  Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, breakups...they're all the same around here.  You have supplies in the fridge and you ride out the storm with your friends and your kids and your friends kids.  We laugh at disaster, both natural and man made. 

And me, i finally put fear in the fear pile and love in the love pile and irrational expectations...well I took those out with the trash this morning.  It feels good to know what I know.  I feel like the smartest girl in the world.  Tomorrow, is ocean swimming with the masters at 7am and shooting guns in bikinis to prevail over all of that awful misplaced aggression that I've been hoarding all these years.  I love mid week county holidays like I love you, purely and simply with all of my heart these days.  

"We are full of paradise without knowing it."~Thomas Merton     

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted all the time



and this, my horoscope, for this week of influenza :

Congratulations, Sagittarius! Free Will Astrology's Task Force on Creative Suffering has confirmed that your current dilemmas are exceptionally interesting and useful. You have demonstrated an impressive talent for getting embroiled in riddles that promise to bring out your dormant reserves of vitality and ingenuity. The dumfounding questions you've been wrestling with are high-caliber tests that have drawn you closer to the heart of the reasons you're here on Earth. Take full advantage of this beautiful mess, my dear. Chaos this fertile is hard to come by.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 
— Marilyn Monroe

I got bit by a duck today and avoided walking in on my favorite ex boyfriend and his favorite woofr girlfriend.  Just your typical Saturday spent borrowing the monster truck with my crazy toddler, listening to inappropriate lyrics and hauling rubbish to the dump.  I have a worry that's so stupid I can't tell one single person on the planet about it so I tell my dog and he wags his tail which is his way of saying, "hey, hey, hey, hey.".  The Jacen and the woofr make me laugh because I remember breaking up with him because he hates kids and now we're friends and he's still shacking up with farmer girls...and I have a kid.  What else did we think was going to happen?  Right now the last of the Iron Men are crossing the finish line and all I can think is ....Angie Metriyakool you are not an Iron Woman....but maybe someday you will be.  

same as the first.

It's the freakin weekend and I can't wait to blow this Real Property Tax popsicle stand.  Aloha Friday ladies and babies...see you at the beach!

This morning I woke up missing hands on my hips, rolled over and screamed into my pillow.  My feet hit the floor and I remembered that its Thursday and a national holiday in Angieland which made going to work on 4 hours of sleep bearable. 

Two years ago today two people got married for really stupid reasons.  Today I'm going to see a notary on my lunch break and then I'm submitting an uncontested divorce decree to the judge.  One year ago today I started working for the County.  Yesterday I got rid of the rest of my stuff and my belongings are now reduced to 5 surfboards a tri bike, clothes and a computer.  Isaiah helped me by carting off a truckload of stuff.  As we were leaving I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of being on my own and he said all of the perfect things because he is the product of a good mom.  Really, someone should write that woman a thank you card for contributing such a good guy to the world.  We were amused at the fact that we both got separated on the same day and that both of our exes got on a plane yesterday.  The Big Island is 330lbs lighter and we feel freer than ever.  So even though it goes without saying, I told him how grateful I am to have him as a friend.  I know the cost of our friendship was and still is pretty high but I think it's worth it.     
This weekend I'm praying for surf.  Tosh and I are hammock sleeping after free keiki surf lessons with Lindsey and Nainoa.  Today I'm running Painted Church for the 3rd time this week.  I'm good.  Life is a blessing.  

 

today. thank god it's almost over.

I'm back from Fiji and cannot express what an awesome girls surf trip it was.  We surfed perfect uncrowded waves, napped, drank beer and slept in hammocks and laughed ourselves senseless.  Check out FB for photos.

And just like that, as the first waves of winter were hitting the North Shore of Oahu and as Blake was being catapulted back over the Pacific Ocean...the best summer ever ended with a phone call...just as we knew it always would.

And even though we hang out and have so much in common and could be great friends...it's impossible for us to hang out right now because I'm so over that click and the gossip it generates and always feel the fallout.  So, I'm just glad I still have waking up Thursdays to Ecards from Colorado, friends who use their cell phone minutes to call Jesus and living room dance parties with Celeste, Nainoa and Tosh....  So maybe the next time I see them I can announce publicly that I'm not sleeping with anyone because I'm too busy raising my kid and working my job and surfing and running and swimming my brains out and being completely sick of them feeding on the gorey details of my pain.  And maybe I can mention what my 9th grade homeroom teacher taught me....that gossip hurts people and is entirely unproductive...that's why you should rise above it. 

My brain has forsaken me today which makes analyzing tax assessments fun.  I woke up at 6:58am and still got Tosh to school on time at 7:30am which is modern day proof that miracles still happen on any given Wednesday.  My coworker just spilled coke on her computer and white slacks.  My life needs rearranging and I want my new last name back like I've never wanted anything.  I want. I want. I want....a divorce so I can finally celebrate a lesson learned and getting my hands dirty.  I'm almost 32 years old and I still get scolded by almost 37 year olds.  I'm so over it...it's not even funny.  I want to exercise.  I want to run Painted Church again.  I want to go for a swim and I can't wait to start a love affair with my new endocrinologist on Tuesday.  I want everything to be okay for my best friend and everyone else for that matter.  Summer was fun but I'm ready for winter, whales, big scary waves that try to steal my bikini and restful nights under extra blankets.  Ferris Bueller quoted John Lennon and he also said that life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while you just might miss it.  This past year was about me stopping to look around and realizing what I would miss if I missed it ...but I'm ready to move on now more than ever.  Someone in Texas might even say that I'm chomping at the bit ...because people in Texas say funny things like that.

Now if I could only put my failed marriage behind me life would be really fantastic and for what its worth I am really sorry to God and everyone for what I did.  So there.  I know its one of the worst things someone could probably do aside from killing someone.  I've come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact, a very fallible human being..who knew?  I've also learned that I am honest...when I'm around non threatening people.  It's just a matter of being with that person who I'm not afraid of being honest with.  And that's what I'm working on.  On 9/27/2004 something fairly significant happened in my relationship with Brock that he probably wouldn't remember if I told him.  It has sort of been my goal to have something finalized with the divorce before then.  It would be a five year mark for us.  But I don't see that happening either.  At best, maybe we'll have a settlement signed before I leave on the 13th...hopefully.  I'm really tired and really looking forward to the next two weeks of no physical activity as ordered by my doctor.  I feel like its a well needed rest.  In other news, my bff caught her bf texting xxx to another gf...so we are both officially on the same page...my bff and I that is...single and together forever.