| like a fish needs a bicycle |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|10:31 am] |
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For those of you who did not witness it, I had a melt down on Saturday and spent all day Sunday with my head in the sand trying to forget about it. I'm better now. It wasn't that bad, just a few uninterrupted hours of self loathing. I think I'm all better now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|06:22 pm] |
I nap like it's nobody's business these days
in my jeans and work boots
feet still on the floor
after work
with Tosh
playing a game
on my phone
next to me
on the bed
for a good solid ten minutes
and that is why I'm able to work all night
so that I can work all tomorrow
and surf when he goes to his dads
and wake up at 5am to swim
on an ordinary Wednesday.
Today I felt overwhelmed,
whined just a bit, hugged my toddler, put him to bed
and realized that my life is wonderful just the way it is.
Celeste sat on my bed before he went to sleep and asked,
"do you like that mommy and I live together with you and Nainoa?"
and I watched as he smiled and shook his head yes. Me too honey. Me too. |
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| He 'e'epa ke aloha, he kula'ilua |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|07:30 pm] |
Translation: Love is peculiar, it pushes in opposite directions.
Its pouring rain here, the graves are soaked which just makes me think of mushy dead bodies in our yard. I ran hard and fast with the dog and he had a hard time keeping up but he's getting better. Bo is leaving tonight to "figure things out"...and the rain surely isn't helping my best friends breaking heart. It's so loud on the tin roof that I can barely hear noisy boys playing on the floor in the living room above me and next to me. There is tequila and beer in the fridge for when he's finally gone. We have been preparing ourselves for this moment for what seems like forever and we don't even have to verbally communicate the wondering to each other...is this a false alarm?, a warning?...We've been here so many times before but we're always prepared. Hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, breakups...they're all the same around here. You have supplies in the fridge and you ride out the storm with your friends and your kids and your friends kids. We laugh at disaster, both natural and man made.
And me, i finally put fear in the fear pile and love in the love pile and irrational expectations...well I took those out with the trash this morning. It feels good to know what I know. I feel like the smartest girl in the world. Tomorrow, is ocean swimming with the masters at 7am and shooting guns in bikinis to prevail over all of that awful misplaced aggression that I've been hoarding all these years. I love mid week county holidays like I love you, purely and simply with all of my heart these days.
"We are full of paradise without knowing it."~Thomas Merton
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|02:29 pm] |
the butter melts out of habit
you know, the toast isn't even warm and I play out the same scene that I’ve played out so many times before I swam 1.4 miles before work this morning. When I dove in it was still dark outside and when I couldn’t possibly take another stroke, the sun was piercing over the Hualalai, half blinding me in the face on every other breath. Water is my constant. I drove all day Sunday and figured out that what I want is finally what I need. We shall see and we shall see. I ran into Melanie and Kaipo at Keei and they observed that I just don’t seem to need anyone anymore. But it shouldn’t be about needing or leaning and the beginning always turns into habit in the long run. . And. And. And, I’m just not ready for any of that yet. It’s obvious now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|01:26 pm] |
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted all the time
and this, my horoscope, for this week of influenza :
Congratulations, Sagittarius! Free Will Astrology's Task Force on Creative Suffering has confirmed that your current dilemmas are exceptionally interesting and useful. You have demonstrated an impressive talent for getting embroiled in riddles that promise to bring out your dormant reserves of vitality and ingenuity. The dumfounding questions you've been wrestling with are high-caliber tests that have drawn you closer to the heart of the reasons you're here on Earth. Take full advantage of this beautiful mess, my dear. Chaos this fertile is hard to come by.
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| The Origami Me |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|02:44 pm] |
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I've been on the verge of melting down lately. I keep pulling myself out of the nose dive but feel more and more like a spiraling one winged bird. Last night I realized that all these feelings of failure and sadness and loss that are crashing into my perfect life are confusing the hell out of me.
And of course I'm confused. I had the dead dog dream again. But, you know, it's not really a dream if it really happened, even though it’s so disgusting it shouldn't qualify as reality. ( Dead Dog Dream (discretion advised) ) |
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| In the pause |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|09:10 am] |
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Last night I had a dream about him and it was so real that I woke up praying gratefulness that I'm no longer subjected to his demeanor on a daily basis. I rolled over and thought, "I'm so glad that's over". I realize that I'm stuck between two chapters and I'm not really sure which direction to move in, mostly in fear of choosing the wrong direction BUT I also know that there's no right or wrong, just more interesting and less interesting.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when everything came crashing down in my life. So heres to one year later...surviving crushed hopes, cancer, 12 + hour surgeries, a failed marriage, one crazy summer semester of grad school, a really over rated torrid affair, so called friends exposed and so much more...
Looking back what seemed like the beginning of the end really was but the outcome was nothing that I could have ever imagined. That day, as I ran away from fighting with him in the parking lot of the Dr.'s office and into the biggest hug my best friend could ever give me I knew that my priorities had been way off. I knew that my life really was falling apart but what I didn't know is that I really needed my life to fall apart so that I could rebuild it properly.
So here's to one year ago tomorrow ladies: |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|12:27 am] |
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
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| Duck Drop Soup |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|11:46 pm] |
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I got bit by a duck today and avoided walking in on my favorite ex boyfriend and his favorite woofr girlfriend. Just your typical Saturday spent borrowing the monster truck with my crazy toddler, listening to inappropriate lyrics and hauling rubbish to the dump. I have a worry that's so stupid I can't tell one single person on the planet about it so I tell my dog and he wags his tail which is his way of saying, "hey, hey, hey, hey.". The Jacen and the woofr make me laugh because I remember breaking up with him because he hates kids and now we're friends and he's still shacking up with farmer girls...and I have a kid. What else did we think was going to happen? Right now the last of the Iron Men are crossing the finish line and all I can think is ....Angie Metriyakool you are not an Iron Woman....but maybe someday you will be. |
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| Second Verse... |
[Oct. 9th, 2009|09:41 am] |
same as the first.
It's the freakin weekend and I can't wait to blow this Real Property Tax popsicle stand. Aloha Friday ladies and babies...see you at the beach! |
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